I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
