Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
