A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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