my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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