would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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