I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
