How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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