Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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