I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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