I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
