I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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