alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
