I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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