Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
