Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We named our party play list daddy issues
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
