whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
