My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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