i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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