Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
