I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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