How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
