yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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