The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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