If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
