I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
