so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
