have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
