my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
