I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
