Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
