so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
