Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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