The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
