I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
