Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
