I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
