I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
