And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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