I faked an abortion last night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
