It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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