dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
