the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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