Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have demons in me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We need to get me chipped asap
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
