Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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