We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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