Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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