from now on my penis is your penis
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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