just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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