she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
