Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my being single is dangerous.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
