I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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