How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
