theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
