listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
