Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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