Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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