I need help removing her.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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