dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
