respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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